What is a Good Parent?
- Allison Jones
- Aug 14
- 2 min read
On February 7, 2024, we celebrated my son’s 17th birthday. The next day, we learned he was addicted to drugs and alcohol. By February 12, he was admitted to an inpatient treatment facility for adolescent boys.
In the days that followed, I was consumed by grief and shame. How did this happen? Hadn’t we done everything “good” parents are supposed to do? We were involved, supportive, present. But clearly, something deeper needed to shift.
Desperate to support my son, I dove into books, podcasts, and parent support groups. That’s when I met Marti and began parent coaching—and everything started to change.
Through our sessions, I uncovered how my own upbringing shaped my parenting. My mother was terminally ill during my childhood, and I learned early on to minimize my needs. I became the “good little girl,” praised for being no trouble. I carried that survival strategy into motherhood—believing my son had to be okay so I could be okay.
I tried to protect him from all discomfort, but really, I was trying to protect myself. I hovered, questioned, controlled—desperate to manage every aspect of his life. I was parenting from fear, not trust.
Marti helped me understand that I was using my son to regulate my own emotions. To be the parent he needed, I had to learn to regulate myself. One turning point was the “Nervous System Science” lesson. Using the Nervous System Thermometer, I began to recognize my own stress signals and apply calming tools. I learned how to stay grounded—even when my son was not.
Another breakthrough came in learning “empowered communication.” I had spent years silencing my own voice and unintentionally taught my son to do the same. Coaching helped me speak honestly—and create space for him to do the same. Our relationship shifted from interrogation and shutdown to real, mutual conversation.
The PEACE Process taught me how to show up with intention: to be present, empathize, acknowledge, stay conscious of my own triggers, and explore solutions together. When my son recently called after a tough day, I was able to listen—really listen—without needing to fix or react. I was calm. He felt heard. We connected.
I don’t know if I meet anyone else’s definition of a “good” parent—but I finally feel like a healthy parent in a healthy relationship with my son. And that’s more than enough.
Comments